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After Rehab – for Friends &
Family Members
Your loved one has
come home from a month long stay at
rehabilitation facility. You may feel unsure of
how to act or what to do now that they are sober
and back home. Do you help them with their
schedules i.e. work, support group meetings,
therapist appointments etc.? Do you leave them
alone, if so, when is good time to leave them
alone and when is it not? You want to help them
stay sober and you will do anything to make sure
they stay sober. But what do you do?
One misconception
about the newly sobered alcoholic or drug addict
is that they need to still be taken care of and
can’t fend for themselves. Maybe it’s been years
since they have been able to take care of
themselves and be self sufficient. This
introduces a dilemma not only to your loved one,
who is trying to stay sober, but for you too.
Over the years,
you may have both developed a dependence upon
each other and probably not a healthy one. They
have depended on you for emotional, financial
and at times possibly physical support and
possibly you have become dependent on their
dependence. They have leaned on you for years
and you have taken up the slack for both
yourself and them. Now that they are sober, you
may feel a sense of abandonment. The
relationship has changed completely.
Now for some of
you, this may be an immense relief. For others,
it may be a change that will require some
getting used to. Your loved one will need you
just as much now as they did when they were
drinking and drugging but in a completely
different way. They have been reawakened into a
new life without drugs or alcohol and are able
now to make decisions on their own. In a sense,
they have grown up over night. They went away a
mess and have come back healthy, happy and ready
to live life.
You may find
yourself feeling various emotions that your
loved one is better now but has done it without
your help. It is normal to feel this way. You
have probably tried with every ounce of strength
to help them, spending your time, your patience
and your love, and now they come back home the
way you wanted all this time. You may be saying
to yourself, “Where did I go wrong? What did
they do that I didn’t? Wasn’t my love enough?”
Actually, if you
think about it, if it wasn’t for you more than
likely your loved one would be homeless, in jail
or dead. You did what you knew to do and you did
it the best way you could. You helped where no
one else could. And now, your loved one is
around people who can help them stay sober. This
doesn’t mean that you are no longer needed. Now
that they are sober and continuing aftercare,
you both can now look each other in the eye and
be on equal terms. It is different and will take
some getting used to but in the long run, it
will be the best thing that has ever happened to
your relationship.
Some things you
can expect to happen once they come home is a
mixture of things. They will still be
experiencing the new life of sobriety and may
not know exactly how to handle some situations
or issues. It is best if you don’t pressure them
into trying to solve everything overnight. It
will take time and yes, more of your patience
and love. You may feel anxious to have some old
issues resolved now that your loved one is
cleared eyed and aware. You may feel that now is
best time to make your approach but that may or
may not be the case. Depending on your
situation, you should think through whether or
not your loved one will feel overwhelmed.
Remember, they are still getting acquainted with
their emotions and surroundings. Everything is
still new to them so when approaching them try
to keep these things in mind.
There is no need
for you to feel that you should skirt issues,
baby them or protect them from getting hurt
emotionally. Doing this will deny them any
opportunity to learn and grow in sobriety which
will be a detriment to them later on. They will
make mistakes but this doesn’t necessarily mean
they are going to relapse. They may get
irritable, angry, depressed but as long as they
are continuing their aftercare, they will pull
through and stay sober. Allow them space if they
need it even though you may still feel the need
to take care of them. It may be a struggle for
you to relearn your relationship with them but
it will be better in the long run.
As is has been suggested to
them, you can take it one day at a time also. In
the beginning, every other day in recovery may
be different for them. One day they’re up, the
next they’re down. Over time this will level
out. Help where you can if you are willing to.
Overall, enjoy the newfound life the both of you
have found in recovery.
By: Patrick McLemore
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